| Secrets, secrets don't make friends... |
[Feb 2, 2009 * 9:53pm] |
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when I said go, I really meant please don't ever leave me
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| Don't make me think before I speak, don't make me hold my horses. |
[Feb 2, 2009 * 8:15pm] |
Confession time.
Once upon a time, yours truly made the biggest mistake of her life. I'd give anything to go back in time and fix it, but you see, I'm sure he's moved on. I'm sure he's found someone else because you know what? The mistake was mine and mine alone. And he was that great. He put up with my shit, and he-- he was there. So I think that maybe I'm walking like a zombie through life...looking for his replacement...
I thought that going to Vegas was my big mistake, but letting him go tops that, by far. Sure it was Vegas, sure we were drunk but he...He was a musician, not that it matters or anything. I'm not even sure why I brought it up. Played the guitar like an angel. And I don't know...I don't know...I don't know.
Don't ask me if this is the PMS talking or the tequila...I don't know. I don't know.
I don't even know what to write about this...I'm writing this because I may be gone in the morning...I've never wanted to up and leave everything so bad as I want to right now. I just want to be gone...I want to be gone...why am I still here?
And it's sick, I'm so lost I don't even know if it's him I miss or the comfort of knowing someone is there. All I know is that I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. Oh God...I don't even know. I don't know. Everytime. Every time. Every goddamn time I'm on my feet I'm on my ass again. This isn't fair...
I want to say this is rock bottom, but I've been lower than this before. Rock bottom has a lot more coke. Little more booze too.
If I could just find him...and maybe apologize...
Do me a favor? Yeah? I don't care how sorry you are, and if you don't know the story, you're not going to. So save it for someone else. Chances are in the morning I won't remember this, and God knows I won't want to.
And yes, I know I'm on the floor.
I feel so relieved when I push people away, but the feeling never lasts past the morning
God my head is gonna kill in the morning. Fuck you, Jose.
What a great night, right? Here I should be celebrating a brand new start in a new town with a JOB. I actually came here for a job. Yours truly is a Sound Engineering Tech. And I just got hired on with a company that works with some of the biggest clubs in Portland. It's my scene, it's my job of choice, but Christ if I'm not depressed. At least I have a bed this time.
Meh.
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[Feb 2, 2009 * 3:01pm] |
This is the sound of settling, apparently, or something.
So I'm in Portland. Don't ask my why, I don't know. I couldn't tell you why, to be honest...I'm just sorta here. And why not? So here I am. Here. With my own apartment. Again. And you know what, this time around I think I'm just going to try living for me. On my own. Although I do need a roommate.
And this time I promise I'll buy furniture.
So where have I been? All over the world. Seriously. I went to Rome, Milan, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Paris...I just did whatever I wanted for a while. I still need to work on getting a job. Maybe I can find something to do with that broadcasting degree. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'll just stick to what I'm good at, looking pretty. And partying. With the occasional partying.
I'm trying to be good.
Trying. Who knows, we'll see how it goes. I tend to do better when I can just get up and leave. I don't know, maybe it has something to do with my personality. I don't know. You'd think that after spending all that time by myself I'd be able to tell you more about myself. Well I can't. But I have decided to keep my hair black. I thought about going back to brown but eh. My Nan likes it. I went to visit her in Ireland. She enjoyed that. She's a little frustrated that I'm not married yet, or at least showing signs of slowing down, but we did both agree that these are different times now, and maybe I can wait a little bit longer.
Not that I want to.
But what can ya do?
Aloha, Portland. Here's hoping you treat me better than all the rest.
-Isolde
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